this thing i wrote about the game of thrones beer:
So I’ve only just recently become addicted to Game of Thrones, and when I say addicted, I mean I watched all twenty hour-long episodes over the course of forty-eight hours. Divided up, that means that I spent roughly sixteen of the remaining hours sleeping, leaving about six hours per day to do whatever else. (GOOD JOB!)
I became addicted about two weeks ago, meaning that I have been in a state of depression for the last fourteen days due to a lack of available new episodes. This is why I am SO EXCITED that the third season will premiere Sunday night, and also why I decided to pay $9.99 (plus tax) for a bottle of Brewery Ommegang‘s “Iron Throne Blonde Ale,” which was inspired by the series.
Now, I am a beer enthusiast, but not in a snobbish way; I have been to beer festivals and have tried to teach myself proper tasting etiquette, but after countless YouTube tutorials, I still rely on invented words and feelings to describe the varieties I test out. This is partially why I’ve decided to treat this “review” as more of an expectations vs reality situation, because as much as I’d like to properly employ terms like “hops,” I would most definitely fail.
So what exactly did I expect from this beer? Before even having picked up a bottle (acquired at the Bowery Whole Foods), I imagined all the incredible things that would happen upon consumption. Here is a breakdown:
- During the uncorking process, there would be the sound of swords clashing and/or Hodor saying, “HODOR.”
- After uncorking, at least one dragon and/or the Clegane brothers would come crashing through my wall in the style of the Kool-Aid Man, only more badass and for grown-ups (or children with convincing fake IDs.)
- During consumption, I would become the Queen of my apartment building, and my Dominican neighbors would be forced to pay tribute to me with all of the delicious foods I can smell them cooking every time I am in the stairwell around mealtimes.
- After a glass or two, I would order my roommate’s cat to take the black and become a ranger beyond the wall (aka the back of my apartment where the wildling alley cats meow all night long) for the rest of eternity.
- A few glasses later, Mayor Bloomberg would call to tell me that I was officially in charge of all the boroughs, and I would say, “I already know, TRAITOR,” and would send him away to live out his days at the bottom of a large, empty soda cup.
- Towards the end, I would enlist Adele’s help to wipe out the White Walkers (who I’ve decided are all the bad people in New York City) and sing them into submission; we would accomplish this by changing the lyrics to, “I SET FIRE. TO YOUR BRAIN.” They would be filled with the hypnosis of her soulful voice, and would immediately be transformed for the better.
- And everyone would live happily ever after.
All of these things were of course met with…
- I was really afraid during the bottle opening process, and asked my roommate if I was potentially risking blindness as the result of taking a rogue cork to the cornea. (She said, “No,” and was correct.) The only sound that happened was a “POP” and me going, “WOOOO,” because society has trained me that this is what you should do when uncorking a thing.
- As I poured myself a glass, I waited in anticipation for something to come crashing through my wall. The only thing that happened was that my roommate’s cat ran into my door in an unsuccessful attempt to break and enter. (He couldn’t see it, but I rolled my eyes in disgust.)
- I did not become Queen of my apartment building, and because of the lack of tribute offerings, I was forced to eat a pizza crust for dinner.
- After a glass or two, I did not order Mr. Chu (my roommate’s cat) to take the black, and instead watched YouTube videos of Paula Deen and Oprah talking in slow motion, and also of Thomas J’s funeral from My Girl.
- A few glasses later, I listened to remixes of the Game of Thrones theme song. I did not receive a call from Bloomberg, but still remained optimistic.
- Towards the end, I wondered what Adele ate for dinner. I guessed that it was not a pizza crust.
- And everyone lived. (Except for Thomas J.)
Would I recommend this beer? If you are trying to gain political power or ward off evil forces or have your wall crashed into, I have to tell you that it’s not very effective. It does, however, taste pretty good; the blurb on the side of the bottle says, “Blonde ale with malty sweetness and a touch of fruity spiciness. Noble hop aromas and notes of citrus. Suitable to serve to kings, or pretenders to the Iron Throne.” (Does this mean that I am a pretender to the Iron Throne?) and while I guess I would agree with all of those things, I mostly think it should just read, “Tastes like a beer that is good, and also no magical stuff will happen when you drink it but maybe if you drink two or more bottles then things will happen. Maybe.” (Also, I think the directions should say: “Pour into a glass and/or your face,” rather than including confusing words like “vigor,” “sediment,” and “luxurious.”)
If I were to make a beer for Game of Thrones I would make it much cooler than this one (with plenty of special effects), and/or would change the packaging to have a photo of Joffrey’s dumb face with a big circle-backslash over it. (Because NO JOFFREYS ALLOWED.) So Brewery Ommegang, feel free to commission me for Season Four; I’m still waiting on that phone call from Bloomberg, but if he hasn’t contacted me by then, I am open to collaborating on the next batch. And remember, guys. WINTER IS COMING OR WHATEVER.